So last week, I had a major mom (fail) moment.
Let me start by saying that Olivia has a blocked tear duct, which basically means she’s producing a lot of tears and majority of them are being blocked, not allowing them to flow through, thus making her have super watery/teary eyes. I constantly get asked why she’s just been crying and 98% of the time, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her. The worst is when her eyes tear during the night, and she wakes up with one eye completely glued shut. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, I believe since she’s been about 2 months, and the doctor said that there was nothing they could do about it until she was one. Which brings us to my story.
Last Thursday, Olivia FINALLY had an appointment to go to the eye doctor. It was at 7:30 at night and all day I kept reminding myself because I have a terrible memory. Olivia had been a little punk all afternoon, and I needed to borrow Dominic’s mom’s car to get to said appointment. The weather was TERRIBLE. It was raining, and snowing and so icy, and there were so many accidents. His mom drove all the way out of her way to bring me her car, and when I put Olivia in her car seat, she screamed all the way to the appointment. If you’re a mom, you know how it feels when you’re the only one in the car and your child is screaming bloody murder in the back and there’s nothing you can do about it but turn on the music and pray your child loves the song that’s on. If you’re not a mom, well, then trust me when I say that it’s just a terrible feeling. So of course that didn’t help the mood that I was in. Once we got to the hospital, I called the doctor’s office to see what building they were in, as it was our first time there. I didn’t want to keep dragging Olivia in and out of the different buildings, the weather was way to awful for that nonsense. The operator proceeded to tell me that the last doctor leaves for the day at 6pm. Um…….what? How in the hell is that possible when Olivia’s appointment -that we had been waiting to go to for TWO MONTHS- is at 7:30pm? The operator said, “You can go in to the outpatient center, 4th floor, to check and see if someone is there, but here in my notes it says that the clinic is already closed.” Thanks, lady, I will do that. So I go up to the 4th floor, and it was a ghost. town. Needless to say, I was absolutely livid. I just made Dominic’s mom bring her car to me, I dragged my crabby screaming child out in this horrific Chicago weather, and I don’t get to have her eyes checked? Oh hell no. These people were definitely getting the bitch-out call of the century the next morning.
That night, I went home, still so aggravated, and so. freakin. exhausted. I put Olivia to sleep, and came on the couch and just sat there. After a few minutes, I logged onto my computer and saw a little post-it note in the corner. It read, ’15 months c/u Feb. 28th 7:30pm’. Olivia had her eye appointment at the beginning of the month, and her 15 month wellness check up at the end of the month. One was at 8:30am, one was at 7:30pm. And then, I came to the realization of the century:
I got the appointment dates and their times mixed up.
I just sat there, and stared at my computer screen. I couldn’t believe it. I am always on top of anything that has to do with Olivia. I’ve always been early to her appointments, always had the right papers, I was always prepared. How could I get the two dates/times confused and basically miss such an important appointment for my daughter?
To make matters worse, when I called the next day to explain what had happened, and to reschedule to see another pediatric ophthalmologist, they told me that there wasn’t another spot open until the first week in December…DECEMBER! I felt like such a terrible person. Such a terrible mother. My girl needed to get her eyes taken care of, it was up to ME to make sure of it, and I failed.
That night, Dominic came home, and he knew that the past day and a half had been pretty terrible, to say the least. Olivia was already asleep, and I was just laying on the couch. He sat next to me, and I just started crying. I told him everything that has been running through my head, and truth be told, there is a lot going on up there.
I started talking about how anxious I am about the wedding, and how I feel that there’s not enough time to do everything we want to make it perfect….how my family all seems a little separated lately….Everything and anything to do with Olivia because she is on my mind more than anything else or anyone else…how I wish my god mother was alive to see how great of a life I have and to meet Olivia….wondering how many people read my blog….Absolutely hating my body, I haven’t felt myself -physically- since Olivia has been born…money….time…life.
Sitting there, talking with Dominic, it made me realize that I really do have a lot of stuff on my mind. I’m surprised that I didn’t miss more appointments, or meetings, or parties.
We talked for a good hour and a half and I learned a valuable lesson (the hard way, might I add). Sure, I have a lot to do, and sure, I love to do all of it. But, I need to finish one thing before I start the next. I need to slow down and stop letting things build up.
As Mama’s, we think there is nothing we can’t handle. We think we’re superheroes. And we are. But even superheros need to take a break sometimes. That’s all I need to remember; I need to remember to take a break, clear my head, actually look at the to-do lists I write up and most importantly, stop being so damn hard on myself. I am going to make more mistakes such as this one (hopefully not as big). Everyone makes mistakes (especially superheroes), and that’s okay.
My baby still loves me, my fiance still loves me, and I love myself a little more for admitting these things. And that’s all that really counts.
Happy Tuesday, Everyone!
Oh, And because I didn’t want to post without at least on picture, you guys get one of a very happy, sleeping Olivia. I just wanted to get a picture of how cute she looked on our couch, and I’m glad I got this shot!